I spent the weekend in Fire Island Pines. I met some incredible personalities as they invited me into their homes. A non-trivial amount of time was spent listening to conversations. Most of it was people talk.
I have been contemplating on the ethics of gossip —when it is permissible and how to practice it well. The main problem with gossip within a friend group is this: a friend who gossips to you about another friend is very likely do the same to you —save for confidants and romantic partners, where a code of confidentiality is built in the relationship. It is fascinating how gossipy friends are rarely aware that they are publicly advertising that about themselves. And in so doing, they are communicating to others that they are not worthy of trust. “What is he saying about me behind my back?”
On the other hand, gossip serves as a systems-level self-corrective mechanism that lowers the reputation of perceived bad actors in a social graph. By spreading these warning signals to multiple vertices, it reduces the kinetic energy of a specific vertex or node in the social graph. In this sense, gossip serves as sort of an auto-immune response to a threat.
One axiom remains the gold standard: praise people behind their back and criticize to their face one-on-one. If you are going to engage in negative gossip, make sure you have already said whatever you think about them to their face. This not only protects you from back-firing, but is just a staple of being a good person.